Studies Show 99% of Retards Can't Solve Maze

Can you?

Ex-McDonalds Employee Visits the Toilet

A former McDonald's manager was fired from the prestigious position this week for visiting the toilet. On his thirty minute break, Eric Preston went into the restroom and saw a sign telling him that he could visit the toilet. Quickly locking the door, he spent the next two and a half hours chatting on and on with the toilet about his life experiences and even learning a bit about the toilet's life!

When Preston's break was over, the store supervisor sent Dedi Kelly, a pimply sixteen year old Woodlawn High School student who is also first chair flute in the orchestra, to find out what was going on. Kelly found Preston locked in the bathroom chatting loudly with the commode. When the supervisor demanded Preston get back to work, he ordered 2 double cheeseburgers, a small coke, and one M&M McFlurry for the toilet. His demands were met, but he still refused to leave the restroom.

"I could hear him speaking loudly about his lust for his grandmother, and the toilet responded with a gurgly flush," Robby McBode told The Wrong Hole Blog in an interview over the phone.

After police showed up to the scene and knocked the door down, Preston was asked what drove him to lock himself in the restroom for over 2 hours. "The sign told me to wash my hands after visiting the toilet. I took that as an open invitation to spend some quality time with Sara," he said.

When asked who Sara was, he responded, "The woman I'm going to marry. She has the most beautiful porcelain lips, but it really tastes like shit when I kiss her."

Doctors Re-Paralyze Man, Credit Card Declined

The family of Edward Slavat cried tears of joy as Florida's Westmouthe Baptist Hospital doctors corrected spinal damage and allowed him to stand up from his wheelchair for the first time in 11 years. Seven minutes later, after repeated attempts to get his Visa credit card to be accepted by the hospitals accounting department, Slavat's family was crying tears of horror as doctors re-paralyzed him due to a declined card.

Unfortunately, our surgeons had to put Mr. Slavat back into his state of paralysis, because we did not receive payment for the operation. If you went to the grocery store and only had enough money for two Lean Cuisines and a People magazine, they wouldn't give you a jar of pickles for free. Our sincerest condolences go out to the Slavat family. We have invited them back to Westmouthe Baptist Hospital once they are able to pay up.

Slavat's 7 year old daughter was in the hospital ward when her father stood for the first time in years. "He got up and walked toward me with him arms out. I've never hugged my daddy out of his wheelchair in my whole life. Before I got to hug him, the mean man put him back in the bed and started punching him in the back," Sally Slavat said through tears while tightly clutching her Hannah Montana purse.

Hospital officals told The Wrong Hole Blog that Slavat, who was left paralyzed from the waist down after crashing into a tree in 1997, was re-paralyzed using the cheapest and most effective procedure. "As the family was not paying us for the procedure, our doctors could not use our surgical tools to put Mr. Slavat back into paralysis. Multiple slugs to the back by Eric Bruñez, our most muscular doctor, were the only option," the hospital director said in a recent press release.

For now, Slavat is back in his Orlando home, still using the wheelchair ramp to enter. "It's just devastating. I hadn't felt my toes in years. They were wriggling; that was the best 7 minutes of my life," Slavat told reporters as he left the hospital, still in his wheelchair. "On the bright side, Westmouthe Baptist Hospital did offer a $1,000 off coupon for a nose job on my next visit."

Woman Gives Birth to Twins and Old Boot

In the wee hours of Saturday morning, LaShrieva Bennett, of Boston, Massachusetts, miraculously gave birth to twins - a boy and a girl - and an old boot. Doctors were shocked after the 7 hour labor. Skyy Bennett, her daughter, was born at 2:38a. The boot followed at 2:51a. Sean Jean Bennett was born last, at 3:13a. Says Bennett,

"I was so worried when I birthed the boot. I thought that my baby boy had somehow transformed into it [the boot]. I have no idea where the boot came from, but I'm definitely putting it up on my mantle. Hell, I might even wear it to work."

Both of her children were reportedly in good health, although the boot suffered from a torn sole which was quickly superglued together by hospital nurses. No word on the overall health of the boot, however, we have confirmed that it was born laced and with its tongue out.

As perplexing as this rare case is, some believe it to be the next step in our evolutionary path. "It would do wonders for the US economy if our women began birthing boots and other material goods. They would be producing high quality tangibles that could be sold in our nation or internationally," said one professor of economy from Boston University.

When asked if it would be worth 9 months to produce one boot, he responded, "Gosh! I'm such an idiot. How could I have overlooked a factor as evident as that." He left the his office crying, leaving The Wrong Hole Blog to help itself to a handful of M&Ms from the jar on his desk. :D

Adobe Photoshop Sues Mariah Carey for Defamation Caused by Her Face

Last Wednesday, Abode, creators of the graphic design software Photoshop, filed a defamation suit against Mariah Carey for "making [them] look bad." Carey's poor retouching jobs, as seen in the photograph on the left, have been deemed newsworthy by the likes of TMZ.com and the holy Perez Hilton.

Although anyone who purchases the program can use it as they like, there is a clause in the Terms of Service stating:

"I agree that use of this software, Photoshop, in a lame or crappy way is punishable by death, or any other cruel and unusual punishment."

Reps from Carey's record label did not immediately return calls to The Wrong Hole Blog. The next day, a statement released by her publicist read, "Mariah is allocating her money more towards her music. A budget retoucher means that we can use more money on giving the fans great music!"

Well, bitch might want to ALLOCATE more funds to that music...

Disneyland and Scientology Team Up for Super-Thetan Coaster

In a bold move by Scientology to get its approval ratings up, a recent Calliope poll showing only 1% of the US population have a favorable opinion of the group, they have teamed with Disneyland in Anaheim, California for a state of the art Scientology themed ride. Here's a breakdown of the rides features:

-Riders begin with a black, burlap sack over their heads
-Earbuds(sponsored by Apple) blasting brain"cleansing" messages are worn
-Riders are strapped into a rocking chair and pushed back and forth until every drop of sanity is sucked from their minds
-By the end of the ride, riders thetan is pure



The approximate production cost for the ride will be around $400, according to a Scientology executive who spoke on the basis of anonymity for fear of death by his "group".

I spent a day at Disneyland and asked a visitor about his thoughts on the ride.

"This ride sounds perfect for... well, no one. Or maybe Nazis. Are those guys still around?" Sean Markin of Denver, Colorado

Disneyland patrons can expect "The Journey for Xenu's Super-Thetan" in 3 weeks right next to the spinning tea cups.

Nice as Lice

An entire building of elementary school children died yesterday in Pasadena, California when they were accidentally exterminated when an outbreak of lice was reported.

Prior to the first recess, an estimated 26 students were sent to Ms. Ally McMurphy, the school nurse. "These were no ordinary cases of lice. The children came to my office with lice swinging from hair to hair like George of the Jungle or Indiana Jones," she said when we contacted her via Ouija board from our Hollywood office. "And as the day progressed, teachers, janitors, and lunch ladies were complaining of itchy scalps, as well." (An unrelated case of crabs was reported by Mrs. Edmondson, the gym teacher.)

Principal Chandra Kievokov began the itching and scratching at her head by lunch, and she sent in a report to the school district. An exterminator from Dead Bugz was accidentally dispatched, and gassed the school before evacuating the students and faculty.

Daniel Tories, the exterminator sent to the school was unavailable for comment at his home and via cellphone. At around 1am Pacific, he left a message on The Wrong Hole Blog's answering machine saying only, "Oops."

472 are confirmed dead and 39 are in critical condition. None are expected to live with the exception of Jimmy, who was behind the auditorium skipping class and smoking a marijuana cigarette.

Daddy, no!

A creepily mustached Austrian man kept his daughter locked in the basement of his home for 19 years, until she was sick and had to be taken to the hospital. That's cute.They had 6 kids together.

Did he yell, "Who's your daddy?" when he was fucking her brains out?

That's actually not funny. She's probably going to die soon. lolz

And the nominees are...